When There's No One to "Drive Around"

"I wish I had someone to drive around," he said.  We knew exactly what he was talking about.  He sat in the driver's seat of his battery-powered, kid-sized car.  He rested his chin on his arms, which were draped over the plastic steering wheel, and stared longingly down the street.  We knew what he was thinking.  The look on his face said it all. It's a look Amy and I recognized immediately because it's come across our own faces so many times in the past 116 days. 

I pride myself on my ingenuity.  Most often that ingenuity surfaces in order to feed my own laziness. 

About this time last year I was sitting outside in our driveway with Thomas while Eli (our then 3-year-old) was driving up and down our dead-end street in his battery-powered car.  Thomas, meanwhile, was driving me crazy.  I was doing my best to capitalize on this opportunity to enjoy a beautiful day and Thomas was doing his best to interrupt it.  The wagon was next to me and Thomas wanted so badly to ride in the wagon and he let it be known what his desires were.  I finally gave in.  I put him in the wagon and began pulling him up and down the street.  He was happy.  He enjoyed his wagon. 

As I pulled Thomas up and down the street, Eli continued to drive his car.  Finally my ingenuity kicked in.  I had one of those "light bulb" moments.  I pulled the wagon into the garage and tied a rope through the handle.  I then waved Eli over and tied the other end of the rope to the back of his batter-powered car.  It was a match made in heaven.  Eli pulled Thomas around until the battery in the car went dead.  I sat in my chair and watched them go up and down the street.  Eli in his car, Thomas in his wagon and I in my chair. 

This scenario went on for months.  Every nice day of the Spring, Summer and Fall you could drive down Acorn Drive and see Eli pulling Thomas.  Eventually Thomas got old enough to realize that he could ride in the car with Eli.  Soon they were like two peas in a pod.  Eli would drive and Thomas would ride.  They were both in heaven!  Eli loved driving his little brother around and Thomas was always so thrilled to ride along with his big brother. 

As Eli gazed off down the road, we knew exactly what he was thinking about.  It was last week and it was the first nice day of the Spring.  We were outside enjoying the beautiful weather.  It was the first time Eli had his car out since Thomas died on December 12.  It was the first time we were all outside enjoying the weather since we lost Thomas unexpectedly.  Thomas loved being outside.  He lived to play outside.  He would be in the yard playing in the dirt, in the street playing in the rocks, riding in the wagon, riding in the car, throwing a ball to one of his siblings, riding his tricycle . . . you name it, he wanted to be outside. 

It was the first time we had experienced a beautiful day without him.  Amy and I could feel it.  We missed him dearly that day last week.  It just wasn't the same.  Eli missed him too.  He wished he had someone to drive around.  We knew what he meant, because we wished he had someone to drive around too.  I'm not sure how much time passed that day.  I'm pretty sure the three of us spent most of the afternoon staring longingly off into the distance.  It just wasn't the same without Thomas.  He should have been there and he wasn't. 

I dread the "firsts." 

Our first Christmas without him was horrible.  His 2nd birthday--without him--was devastating.  Celebrating the Resurrection at Easter was conflicting.  The first beautiful day without him was empty.  Samuel's first baseball practice this past week without Thomas yelling "Bubba" and "Da Da" from behind the fence was bothersome.  There are many more "firsts" to come.  I dread every one of them.  Even Eli gets it, and he's four.  I sure wish he had someone to drive around.