What I'm Learning . . .

I guess I thought it would clear by now . . . the fog, that is.  Of course, I really didn't know what to expect, but I hoped things would be easier to see at this point.  They say things get better with time.  I'm not sure who "they" are or what their definition of "better" is, but the death of our son, Thomas, 5 months ago today is still very real.

Are things better 151 days later?  Maybe.  I guess I'm not really sure how to answer that question.  For me, better would be us having Thomas back so he could have been watching through the chain link fence and yelling "Bubba" at Samuel's first baseball game last night.  Better would be Thomas tossing balls onto the filed at Eli's soccer game today.  Better would be Thomas helping his big sister blow out her candles for her 7th birthday next Saturday.  Better would be Amy getting a homemade gift from all four of her kids on Mother's Day.  Better would be me . . . I don't know . . . I'd just really like to have him back.  We all would.

Are we doing better?  Yes, we are doing better than we were even several weeks ago.  Time does have a way of helping things get better.  However, I'm not sure about that whole "time heals all wounds" thing, because I'm pretty sure they forget to mention the scars.  The scars will always be there.  I guess that's why they call them scars.  And I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that the fog will always be here as well.

I've wanted it to go away.  I've prayed so hard that the fog would go away.  It's hard to see through this stuff.  What's really there just doesn't look the same when the fog is so thick.  But it's not going away . . . and I don't think it ever will.  Understanding and coming to grips with this fact is what has helped things get a little bit better for us.  The fog is still there.  It set in at 7:31am on Wednesday, December 12, 2012 and it has remained.

So what has changed?  Below are some things we have learned in the past 151 days.  There's not a whole lot of rhyme or reason and I won't explain them in much detail, but perhaps you can learn something . . . or at least ponder the possibility.

Things I'm Learning . . .

I'm learning that "easy" isn't always "best."  We live in a world where it seems everyone wants "easy."  Oftentimes we find "best" at the end of our most difficult roads.  More on this at another date.

Things I used to think were important just don't seem as important . . . no matter who says they should be.

You can learn a lot from your kids if you just listen.

I've learned that you don't have to see through the fog to get where you're going.  You just have to go slower and rely on what's right in front of you.

I'm learning how difficult it can be to watch your kids hurt.

I'm learning not to take time for granted.  You just never know how much of it you have left.

I'm learning that we have some really good friends.  Not just the kind you like to hang out with, but the kind who will carry you through your darkest of times.

I'm learning to be thankful.  A really smart guy who came to our church several weeks back said this:  "If you woke up this morning and only had the things you thanked God for yesterday, what would you have?"

I'm learning that having faith isn't easy.  If it were easy it wouldn't be faith.

I'm learning that fear is more powerful than I had ever given it credit for.

I'm learning that planning is way overrated.  I always had a hunch, but nothing to really back it up.  It kind of goes hand-in-hand with that whole "things just not seeming as important."  It will be hard to convince people that planning is overrated, and I don't think I'll waste my time.  I'm just learning it's good to live in the moment.  Why worry about tomorrow, when today has enough things to worry about.  That's in the Bible.

Everyone has a perspective.  Too many arguments happen because we think everyone should have the same perspective we have.  We should learn to get over ourselves every once in a while.  Trying to understand someone else's perspective is a worthy endeavor, even if you still disagree in the end.

It's good to laugh.

This world is full of pain.  I don't know why, but it is.  We spend a lot of time trying to get rid of that pain instead of embracing it and learning from it.

This world is not our ultimate destination.  In the grand scheme of things our time here on earth is like a mist that is here today and gone tomorrow.  That's in the Bible.  Our time here on earth is like a fart in the wind.  That's what my grandpa would say.  Like I said, it's good to laugh.

Finally, I'm learning more and more that God can be trusted.  I can put my faith in Him.  "Better" is a relative term for us humans, but not for God.  The fact is God knows what's best.  There is nothing better than what He desires for my life . . . even if I don't like it.  On this foggy road we travel, God is the One who painted the white lines.  We can trust those lines even in the times when seeing is most difficult.