If we still had our son this day would have never taken place. The first annual TJ5K--in memory of our son, Thomas--took place on November 16th. It was an incredible event. It included a 5K run, a 1-mile fun run/walk and a fun run for kids. Our family was blown away and humbled by everything that went into that day. We will always remember those of you who came out to support the events of that day. All the planning and preparation took months. Many people worked tirelessly to make it happen. Over 50 volunteers helped out. Over 300 people participated. Several thousand dollars were raised for a wonderful non-profit agency who worked with Thomas prior to his death. Anyone who has so much time, effort, attention and money given on their behalf should be honored. We are honored . . . but we wish it never happened.
I'm not ungrateful. I'm overwhelmed by everything that took place on November 16th, but if we had our son the things that took place that day would have never happened.
I often wonder what we would be doing on certain days or in particular moments had we not experienced what we did almost a year ago now. As I ran along the course with my oldest son during the race, I kept wondering what we would be doing at that moment had Thomas not died. What would the hundreds of other people been doing that day? Maybe it's my way of dwelling on "what might have been." Perhaps it's something to help distract me from the pain. Possibly, it's just my own propensity to wonder. More likely, it's simply my never-ending longing to have things be the way they "should" be. Either way it makes me wonder.
I wonder which day he would have walked for the first time, or which day he would have said his first sentence. I wonder what we'll be doing on the day that "should" have been his first day of kindergarten, the day he would have learned to ride his bike, get his driver's licence and graduate from high school. Which day "should" have been his wedding day or the day he became a dad? They "should" have been days full of excitement and celebration, but now they'll just be regular days. I wonder what we'll be doing on those days, which "should" have been so significant in his life and ours.
What would we have been doing a week from now on the anniversary of his death? What would I have been doing right now instead of typing these random and unorganized thoughts?
It's hard not to dwell on what "should" have been. It's hard not to wonder.
The fact is we can dwell and we can wonder all we want and it doesn't change reality. Reality is something we simply cannot change. So what do we do with reality? To me that's the critical question. We'll still wonder about the "what-ifs" and the "should haves," but if we dwell on those too much we can miss the moments that will shape us and carry us through the reality we now face.
Reality is we don't have our son. All we have is our memories of him. November 16th was a day put together by some dear friends of ours who were willing to say, "If we could we would bring your son back. We can't do that, so we will do what we can do: We will keep his memory alive by celebrating his life."
Things in life may not be the way we think they "should" be and oftentimes we can't get them to be the way they "should" be. Sometimes things are just broken and they simply cannot be fixed. That doesn't mean you can't do anything about it. Those of you who were involved in the TJ5K reminded me that we can't always fix things to the way they "should" be, but we can do something. Some of you ran. Others of you planned. Some volunteered. A few simply gave. Many just showed up. You can't bring our son back, but you did what you could do and for that we are forever grateful . . . more than you will ever know.
I wonder where we'd be if November 16th had never happened? Thanks for helping our family see through the fog a little more clearly.
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