I'm backed into a corner. There's no choice of "fight or flight" because flight just isn't an option. I suppose I could simply cower into the fetal position, cover my head with my arms and hope it will just go away, but I'm convinced it's not going away. I could start throwing punches but I feel like I'd just be beating at the air. When you do that the air always wins. But I have to fight. I have no other option.
The problem is I have no idea who or what my foe is.
How do you fight when you don't know who or what you're up against? How can you make a gameplan when there's no game film on the opponent? How do you guage the weeknesses to exploit when you don't really know who your adversary is? How can I counter-attack when I don't have a clue who my foe is, let alone what his tactics are? I'm on edge. I'm paranoid. I don't have answers. I don't even know what questions to ask. I feel helpless. I feel so inadequately prepared for this fight. There's no manual, no blueprint and no battle plan. I simply stand in my corner and stare into the darkness. My fists are clinched and my eyes bounce back and forth--as if I could see in this darkness--but at least I feel like I'm looking . . . for something.
Who is my foe?
Is it fear? Am I so fearful of what the future holds that it's just easier to stand in the corner and wait on it to attack first?
Is it helplessness? Am I so uneasy about this feeling of helplessness that it just makes me feel better if I can stand up with my fists clinched and my eyes peeled; Where at least I feel like I'm doing something?
Is it pain? Has my family and I experienced enough to last a lifetime already and I just fear that we can't take anymore?
Is it inadequacy? Will I be unable to navigate this darkness on my own, let alone help my wife and kids through it?
Is it satan? Can he really have that much control? Am I giving him that much control?
I think I fear myself.
Think about it, we only fear our "foe" when we question ourselves. Fear comes from within. A foe fills us with fear only when our own ability to conquer that foe is in question. Most of the time it's us questioning ourselves. In the Bible, Goliath was formidable to the Israelites because they feared their own abilities. Goliath--in and of himself--was not scary. The Israelites feared because they knew that their own deficiencies wouldn't hold up against this giant. David, on the other hand, knew WHO he had in his own corner. David was not fearful of Goliath. David knew what he lacked on his own, but he knew the Strength he had in his corner with him.
I think my corner is getting a little too comfortable. Maybe "comfortable" isn't the right word. Perhaps "safe" is a better word. Of course it's safer just to stand here with my fists clinched and my eyes peeled. To venture out into this fog even further is terrifying, but I want to fight. I fear my foes, but I fear the unknown even more.
Wait . . . the unknown . . . that's it!
No comments:
Post a Comment